Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Man Power

Facts about men, by Rita Rudner


Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. 
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. 
Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle. 
All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals. 

The way a man looks at himself in the mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else. 
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow instead of a gun. 
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. 
Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log doesn't burn, he will take it personally. 
If a man says "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't FORGET... he didn't LOSE your number... he didn't DIE! He just didn't want to call you. 
Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks. 

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume his clothing has shrunk. 
Men forget everything. Women remember everything. 
That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened. 
Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony. 
All men would still really like to own a train set.
Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause: you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles. 
Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit. 
When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. 
When four or more women get together, they talk about men. 
Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly. 
Most women are introspective. "Am I In Love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?" 
No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant. 
If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious. 
Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in the winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore. 
All men hate to hear "We need to talk." No matter what the subject is, these seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Norman Schwarzkopf. 
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow instead of a gun. 
Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps. 
Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to KNOW. 
Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches. 
Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important. 
If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season. 
Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the "nice" of bald. 
Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano. 
Men have an easier time shopping for a bathing suit. Women have two types: Depressing and More depressing! Men have two types: Nerdy and Not Nerdy. 
Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my g-d, I'm so embarrassed. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo!" 
Most men hate to shop. That is why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door. 
Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie The Way We Were twice, voluntarily. 
Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network. 
Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit. 
Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed. 
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. 








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